Dale Carnegie — How to Win Friends and Influence PeopleSimply changing on three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment. Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement.
For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitudes towards studies, we might say, “we’re really proud of you, Johnnie for raising your grades this term, but if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”
In this case, Johnny might feel encouraged until he heard the word “but”. He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnny’s attitude towards his studies.
This could easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and”. “we are really proud of you Johnny, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious effects next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.” Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.